I Would LOVE Some Cheese with my Whine

Feel as if that's all I do is whine.  Gotta stop it.  Gotta stop putting it 'out there'.  So, I'm gonna.

My groom actually got home earlier than usual last night, but guess what?  I was yawning and my eyes were closing without my control.  But, I DID get a few minutes with him.  That's a good thing.

It really is the little things.

Just a Little "Normal" Would Go a Long Way

I am proud that I got my action items completed yesterday.  Left work, went home, clipped coupons, went to the gym, did cardio for 25 minutes- didn't want to push myself, went to Walmart, came home, showered, made lasagna, and then I was DONE with a capital FATIGUE.

I would love to sit down to dinner not alone.  I didn't even feel like eating last night.  Probably a good thing since I've put on 11 lbs of the 30 I had lost total.  I am BACK on the WW wagon- I have GOT to get rid of that 11, and 15 more.

I am making a list of things to do as soon as I get home from the gym each day- to keep myself from immediately donning my jammies and laying down on the sofa or in bed.  Even though that's about all the energy I have to do- I MUST push through this.

2012 MS Walk is this weekend.  I'm so excited!  I'm very proud of the funds I've raised (begged for) for the cause!  And, it's always a blast getting a ton of friends together.  I'm just praying that the horrible fatigue doesn't hit me.  Think I'll take it easy on myself a bit this week, at least.

Moody Go Round

I suppose I need to see a gynecologist soon- I've been very lax about seeing one- I don't have a uterus any more- so, really?  Why bother?  I see so many freakin' doctors as it is.  But, I need some help.  And, that's hard for me to admit.  Just read this: I've bolded what really hit me between the eyes.  And, there are tons of articles about MS & mood swings- so I've got the double whammy going on...and I've got to do something before I just do something I will regret...or say something, or whatever....Gotta get a grip- and it's obvious I can't do it on my own which really chaps my a$$.

Mood swings and irritability are closely related. We use “mood swing” to describe a reaction that isn’t appropriate to what triggered it. “Irritability” to most of us means an angry or impatient reaction to something that happens.

What causes mood swings and irritability? In both cases, the physiology is based on hormonal imbalance. The underlying cause may be fatigue — and if you’re having hot flashes or insomnia, you are very fatigued! But it can also be the sudden shifts in hormonal balance so characteristic of perimenopause, especially when your body doesn’t have enough support to maintain its natural balance.

Mood swings and irritability have an emotional aspect as well. Perimenopause is a time when many women find their true voices. That’s a good and natural process. You may note the resurfacing of old emotional issues that remain unresolved. This work is important, not just to relieve your mood swings, but for your very health.

Women often come to us saying, “I thought I was losing my mind!” because they’re shocked by their mood swings and irritability. For them it’s a relief to know that their moods have a physical basis and can be relieved. There’s usually nothing wrong with you that you can’t fix by taking better care of yourself.

Anger Management

Is a freaking joke.  I am so angry & frustrated right now I could scream.  But, I won't.  Because I don't.

I don't understand non pro-active people.  I just don't get it.  I know, everyone is different, but DAMN!

I have surrounded myself and given birth to non pro-active people. Lead by example, Lisa, lead by example- I'm so freaking sick of repeating that to myself.

I can't even pinpoint where the anger is coming from, but it's here and it's not going away.  I've prayed, I've gone outside to enjoy the beauty of nature- I've started drinking mimosa's.

Mood swings?  Maybe so.  And, I'm here to profess there is NO happy pill for that.

Am I miserable with myself, therefore projecting ???  Who the EFF knows.  And, probably spot on.

I just know I had to get this out.

I feel like just running away from it all- but how would I do that?  I'm 'needy' now.  Freakin' A.

Attitude of Gratitude

This is my focus today.  Why?  Because God smacked me right between the eyes with it on my drive in this morning.  It wasn't anything I heard on my devotional.  It was simply the fact of  my 'Committee' meeting in my head.  I was thinking of how tired I was, how my body was hurting, how my legs were trembling,  how I just wanted to go back home and crawl back in bed.  Then, these words came to me.  "How can I pray for others today?"  OTHERS, not myself.  Thank you, Lord, for smacking me when I needed it most.  

You see, the thing is, I have SO MUCH MORE to be thankful for than I even remotely have to moan and groan about.  I have a Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally, I have a wonderful husband, incredible children, the BEST of friends, the best co-workers, and as much as I moan and groan about it, the best job, and an understanding boss.  

It's amazing when you think to yourself- I AM grateful.  It's amazing how your attitude changes, in the blink of an eye.  I may not be able to do a lot of things physically anymore, but I can be supportive, I can pray for my friends and family, and I can be there for them if they need to talk, laugh, cry, scream, whatever.  

We're going to take a bit of a curve to the right here now.  I learned a lot about myself when reading The 5 Love Languages.  I am a servant at heart.  I have not always been a touchy feely person. And, that would require hours of therapy, as well.  I have learned to be that more so over the past 10 years.  The way I show my love is through acts of service.  Cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking, baking, whatever I can do FOR someone.  And, for that very reason, I have gotten extremely depressed over what I CAN'T do and not concentrating on what I CAN do.  That's changing- thanks to that smack between the eyes this morning.

I'm Not a Hater

....of rain, that is.  Lots of folks complain about a rainy day- I never have, well maybe I have, but not much.  Do I want to live in Seattle?  Notsomuch- but I'd be OK if I did.  What I do DISlike very much about rainy days- are rainy work days.  Why?  Because driving in the rain makes me a hot mess of epic proportion.  And, here's the reason why:

First let me start by saying, I can get motion sickness from driving MYSELF.  I do not ride passenger if I can avoid it.  It started in my mid 30's.  Couldn't ride fun rides anymore, some movie scenes I have to look away from because they start my head spinning.  I definitely will never see a movie in 3D!

So, picture this- it's dark, it's raining hard, I'm driving, windshield wipers going, it's like a 3D movie.  Now I have I love a rainy night going through my head....

Anyway- it's an extreme chore to drive in the rain.  By the time I get to work, my head is spinning and I just want to lay down.  Even if I'm having a really great day- it'll kick my a$$ in a flat minute.  On days like today- I'm just praying for noon and that it's not raining on my drive home.

I Never Thought It Would Be Like THIS....

Been a while since I've come to these pages for a little self therapy.  Denial?  No....I'm a horrible 'writer'.  And, I grade myself on grammar, spelling errors, etc.  And, those, these days are grading a big fat F.

The 'relapses' are coming closer together- I don't even rally call them relapses because a lot of my 'issues' are just a daily thing.  Learning to live with them is very difficult for me.

I'm an UBER control freak.  Don't ask me why- I have no clue- I'm sure some deep therapy would reveal that answer, but for now, what does it matter?  I'm losing complete 'control'.  Of my body, of my mind, of my relationships.  Not that I WANT to control all of those things, I just want a bit of normal.

I rarely see my husband because our hours are so different.  I'm in bed early, up early, then home early.  I try my best to take care of the house, but sometimes I can't do that.  I have many hours of every day asking myself Why.  Why am I even here?  Why....I'm not doing anything for anyone.  I'm not carrying my load.  I'm not being a good wife.

The fatigue is really bad this week.  I'm so very tired in every fiber of my body.  My mind.  My emotions.

When I say I never thought it would be like this---all I remember when I first got my diagnosis were the bagillion stories of "Oh, my Aunt Mary has MS, had it for 25 years and she's doing GREAT."..."my neighbor Jim has MS, going on 10 years now, he's the picture of health"...you get my drift...I wanted to be, "Oh, my wife/mom/friend Lisa has MS, she's doing AWESOME.".....

I realize every day that I just can't control every day or predict my actions for said day.......and it's making me CRAZY.