I Never Thought It Would Be Like THIS....

Been a while since I've come to these pages for a little self therapy.  Denial?  No....I'm a horrible 'writer'.  And, I grade myself on grammar, spelling errors, etc.  And, those, these days are grading a big fat F.

The 'relapses' are coming closer together- I don't even rally call them relapses because a lot of my 'issues' are just a daily thing.  Learning to live with them is very difficult for me.

I'm an UBER control freak.  Don't ask me why- I have no clue- I'm sure some deep therapy would reveal that answer, but for now, what does it matter?  I'm losing complete 'control'.  Of my body, of my mind, of my relationships.  Not that I WANT to control all of those things, I just want a bit of normal.

I rarely see my husband because our hours are so different.  I'm in bed early, up early, then home early.  I try my best to take care of the house, but sometimes I can't do that.  I have many hours of every day asking myself Why.  Why am I even here?  Why....I'm not doing anything for anyone.  I'm not carrying my load.  I'm not being a good wife.

The fatigue is really bad this week.  I'm so very tired in every fiber of my body.  My mind.  My emotions.

When I say I never thought it would be like this---all I remember when I first got my diagnosis were the bagillion stories of "Oh, my Aunt Mary has MS, had it for 25 years and she's doing GREAT."..."my neighbor Jim has MS, going on 10 years now, he's the picture of health"...you get my drift...I wanted to be, "Oh, my wife/mom/friend Lisa has MS, she's doing AWESOME.".....

I realize every day that I just can't control every day or predict my actions for said day.......and it's making me CRAZY.